Thursday, October 13, 2005

Rules of Movie Theatres

This post was requested by Milo.

Company and I:
(be it a date or a friend)

>Please Keep Time! IF anything irritates me more, is missing a single credit and second!
>If you decide not to turn up. To cancel last minute. To try re-schedule it...haki I will watch it alone! If I am siked up for a movie, nothing is gonna dissuade me,not even the fear of looking like a loser watching a movie big screen accompanied by a ticket!
>Now if we buy a hotdog..and you decide to go to the loo and leave me holding it for you. I WILL PUT CHILLI FOR YOU! My argument being why should i enjoy it alone?
Back in 2002 four of us skived classes to watch Mission Impossible 2.Dennis, Kui, June and I. So, Dennis leaves me holding his hotdog and dashes off to the 'gents'. He saunters back happily and relieved, we go to our seats and everyone is happy as a lark-despite that guilt looming in the back of our mind. Now, he, is the kind who only eats when the credits start rolling. It's been like 15 minutes and everyone else has almost eaten half their junk but OH no... a brada had to wait till he saw A..../Tom Cruise production... John Woo Film...THEN we hear someone hyperventilating in a hissing fit on our left.(Yup the Chilli was that good!) Now this lil sissy cannot stand chilli!
So next we hear! "NICHOLAS!!!!!!" (trust me when its not Nick/Nicko its not looking good!) Innocently, I reply "mmm hmm!What's up?" He continues "NICHOLAS! You put chilli" (inhaling and exhaling more than Tom is doing that stunt on the cliff) What proceeded was torrents of abuse with occasional re-affirmation. "You idiot who told u to put chilli..you know i dont take chilli..go buy me another hotdog *&%&$&$! you know i dont take chilli...!@#@$%$^$^%&$% you know i dont take chilli!"

There I was stiffling giggles..but trust me I was the only one laughing!

What a whine bag...I have never been whined to like that in my entire life by a male buddy! Unfortunately, I actually felt sorry in this case..not to mention June and Kui got into it...lets just say the 3 of them bonded quite well exchanging laughs during the movie.

OSTRACIZED!!!

>You had better hush during previews. Heck even days of Newsreel...the whole experience of viewing pleasure starts from the time you seat down after the National Anthem. So, if that is the preview for the latest Spiderman/Superman-damn you better be excited as I am!...and the only way to be excited is TO WATCH it.
>Now during the movie. It requires skill/finese to throw in cheap humor at the right time at the right speed. The continuity of the movie flow shall/should never be interrupted!
>I wait for the credits till the very end! So you ain't going no where in a hurry
>Oh, you're popcorn is finished...girl, you're gonna miss a lot getting another packet yourself!
>In my vast experience, in terms of nipple freezing cold temperatures
Kenya Cinema and Sarit win hands down...so carry you're own darn sweater.... Honestly I ain't starting to sneeze or sniffle-not when watching the movie-just cause you don't know the rules!
>Don't you dare sleep! Its an insult to me(even if you bought the ticket).
>Don't start having chat conversations via sms!

Public and I:
1.Read above rules
2.Those Ushers irritate the living daylights. I hate that torch waving gesture. And I know my way around the theatre do not escort me like a child holding my ticket stab...and then refuse to give it back!
3.Strangers or fellow theatre mates:
>Please keep time. I also get irritated when others miss as well. Clearly I have a problem.
>Learn how to whisper during the movie.
However, I was impressed by another loudmouth while watching Charlies Angels 2, in 2003. A smarty mouth chick was unleashing trivia behind me mpaka i was impressed. Damn, i almost switched seats and got her number! The funny thing her apparent date could care less for the movie or for her background knowledge...and there I was saying "You know ur stuff girl? Ati why was Bill Murray replaced by Bernie Mac?" She was a wikipedia of information from Demi Moore..heck she knew Drew Barrymore was in E.T and had produced the movie.

>Do not dangle your funky feet next to the chair near me. Do not fart! Do not munch like a child!
>Please come early I hate having to stand up and down cause u have no sense of time, as you shadily quip "excuse me?!"
>If you are gonna brush up against me please be smellin nice, and don't step on me, and don't knock over my food, and dont pass again till the movie is over!
>Halitosis-breathe in another direction!
>I don't get picked up by strangers so please, tuheshimiane, watch the damn movie!
>Question time:
NO,NO,NO HELL NO! I did not sit on your seat! I have never! Check again fool!
Yes, the movie started a long time back and YES u missed alot!
Yes, I mind holding your popcorn as you go down to buy chocolate or to the loo.
Yes, this is your aisle, now hurry up $%^$&&^%!!!!!
Yes, there are usually breaks in between long movies...it's not over.
Yes, it ends around 4:30pm/7:30pm
No, just cause I'm alone seated right infront of the screen doesn't make me a loser. So you and your friends stop giggling!

Little Children and I:
>Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee!!!
>See that little shop? That's where you buy popcorn. Now don't finish yours in a hurry and then want more...cause you will have to come aaaaaaall the way down here to buy it BY YOURSELF.
>Later in the movie in you feel the cutest tag on your sleeve and barely audible hushed whispers(she knows her rules!)
"Uncle Nick, i want more popcorn?"
"Sweetie, you know Nick Don't play that!"

Nick and I:
>I never leave the theatre even if the movie is boring as hell. I think the worst movie experienceIi hated was Artificial Intelligence! Yawnsville!
>I never leave during those lame breaks. It's a ruse to make you miss valuable time.
>I always sneak in foods. Over the many years i have sneaked in a pizza/burger and kenchic kuku...oh heaven
>So far my record stands at 30 movies a year! Hoping to beat it this year am at 24
>I always keep my ticket stab
>I love seating at E9/10 or F9/10 smack in the middle of the screen,and smack in front there. The seat after the one on the aisle. I am always seated nearest to the aisle
>Occasionally applauding is called for. Matrix-yes i was the one over there getting my clap on.

Memories and I:
>I miss the guys that would sell grub inside the theatre.
>I miss Newsreel and the voice that presented it!
>I miss when everythnig used to be forty bob. Hotdog,fanta and chocolate was 120/=
>I miss going to Fox Drive-In for those marathon New Years Movies!
>I miss Fox Drive and the speakers that would dangle on the window and many patrons would forget and drive off with them.... and theirdelicious Chicken!

15 comments:

UARIDI said...

For my part, I hate going to movie theatres, especially now that I have cable. YES, I wait for the movies to come to me. I especially do not like theatres for most of the reasons you have given. Late comers, noise makers etc, etc.

Guessaurus said...

"Do not fart" - LOLOLOLOL
I found this too funny Mister. So I am not the only one that calls you "Nicholas" when you are in trouble eh? :)

You seriously have a problem dude - or rather an addiction to movies and theatres and stuff...

Q: Do they still play the national anthem before movies? - jeeeeeezzz, and do you have to sing? Stand up?

Miss hotdogs

Wangari said...

i hate hate interruptions i.e those people who give running commentaries, people wanting to go to the loo, mobiles going off, babies crying... aii!!!

like you, i always keep the stub, have to get there before the previews (love previews), if its a great movie will sit until the last credits have rolled etc

i am ashamed to admit that this year my movie count has gone waaaay down...

kipepeo said...

i love the movies...i even like going alone.good thing bout living near village market is you can go for a flick any time...watched lord of the rings at 9 on a sunday morning...

Nakeel said...

Hey bro how can i miss this new site? oooh..

I love going to the movies late after everyone has cleared so that i can stretch myself on the seats the way i like and have a good time watching.. i hate going to the theatres when school closes because as we all know the students are there making noise moving in and out so during holidays i prefer doin it at home...
Cool site

TeeJ said...

Too funny!!! Like Nakeel, I like to go for late nite movies ama early afti movies when there aren't too many kidos/teenagers.
Have u heard btw that the new Bond might be a kablond dude who is being called a hunk lakini when u see him, wapi? as in nada! Yani they should pick Clive Owen. That dude makes me weak.
Could u write bout ur thot's on the new Bond guy...if u care for 007 that is....:)

Couch 'tato said...

@uaridi:as long as the movies are bein watched...i have no prob with that. However..there are some movies tha must be watched on big screen given the chance
@guess: i think smae would apply to u if someone called u GUESSAURUS!
-yup they still palay that national anthem with the same old flag foootage

@wangari:ebu go to u rnearest theatre stat. and put the bill on me

@kips: Lord of the rings at 9...now that must have been yummy. yaani such a movie should be watched early when u are all attentive

@nakeel:enyewe kwanza village loooks like some joint for school kids bila uniform

@teej: i dont know where to start. For me Pierce will be the ultimate post 90's bond...cant stand mr blonde mond or clive owen or mr wolverine hugh jackman. I'd have lost anyway...surprisignly i hate this guy even more than dalton

Stunuh Jay said...

Couch Potato? that's it... i was waiting for something that would ambush myreading senses...PSYCHE Happy Blog Birthday¬

Guessaurus said...

@Teej - feel yu fully on Bond - that Daniel Craig dude is too 'wet' for bond - and I wanted Clive Owen - have fancied the dude since 'ever' - *sob sob* why didnt they choose him!

Farmgal said...

didnt think I would be reading this blog coz am no movie person lakini that was brilliant. Like guess I was going to ask if people stand upp during the anthem...hhihihih
when watching a flick I dont like any interuptions unless its a 999 call... and am not a doctor nor am I thiii police.

Love you rules! BTW is that 30 films at the cinema am thats plus at home? How are you going to save up for that air tiko? eeh Nicholas?????!!

spicebear said...

i'm guilty of having text conversations at the movies, coming in late and walking up and down for more popcorn, going to the loo etc etc. but my pet peeve is going to the movies with others - catch me dead in a group of people ati we are watching a flick. why? cos they never shut up! if we were meant to beat stories let's go elsewhere but i'll be damned if i bought a ticket just to listen to what you have been up to. if i must must must go with someone else it must be under the condition that they pretend that they aren't there till the credits start rolling ... that's why for me the worst date ever has to be going to the movies. thats my alone time.

haven't been to the movies in a while though, now i wait for the movies to come to me. but i sure do miss taking my kuku quarter and fries to the movies.

akiey said...

Nice one Nick & timely request Milo!
-Perfect reminder to the one of kind movie experience back home. I kinda miss stuff like getting something good to eat at the movies...other than the popcorn (am no fan of that stuff) & drinks we have out here.
-I too never appreciated the usher's antics...ok, everybody needs a job but hey! who thought up this profession? It's a pain!
-LOL! @ folks passing back & forth & stepping on toes, knocking your food etc...yes, late comers that mess up a perfect movie night.
-Keep em coming Nick & kudos again on the 2nd blog.

Poi said...

Ok, what did I do now?

Eeeiisshh Gich ati u sneak chicken and jibes to the theater? n u doubt u r a classic?hihiihi in the fox drive I'd elewa but inside a theater hehehhehheh u r dedli, and what of the other ppl they dont complain I can imajin someone getting all rowdy hihiihih.

I love going to the movies anything to do with a movie count me in. I dislike leaving the movies and wont do it for anything, dislike sm1 talking to me in there eisshhh we'd kosana for a bit, I'd rather change seats hihiihih

I take a back seat in most things in my life, so way back, in the baahind is my best seat. I dislike going to the movies solo it just don't come out right for me.

Used to have a kick when I had a guy for a roommate some time back and he did graveyard shift and he always dragged me to work with him and we'd watch movies all night long hihiihiihi.

I laugh loud and hard hehhehehehh and its contagious and am always in flicks so me and my crowd are always like what?

Great post, super!

Happy week :)

mutumia said...

*gasping and wheezing*... funeee.. the chilli trick - check-- the don't brush against me unless you smell good- check, impressed by Ms. Wikipedia- check. --- lakini my future kids can't go to the movies with you? Ati "Uncle Nick don't do that" *dead*

you're a funny guy

Milonare said...

Is there are speech for the middle-comers??

I'd like to thank my illustrious fellow commentors for warming the comment seat for me... In true comment ho fashion, this 1st comment is on da house... actually, make that at a discount...

The hoarse whisperers annoyed the sh8t out of me!!! Kwanza the chuti ones from them days who had enough money to watch the movie kedo 4 times and there4 messed up all suspense situations by blurting out what was going to happen... Pesky pandres they were!!!

Yaani you peri-perid a guy out of enjoying the movie?? I'm surprised he could talk let alone call out your full name in between coughing, wheezing, running nose, sweating and teary eyes LOLOLOL

That usher torch thingy is annoying plus infinity!!! I can see you I can see you d*mn b*stards!!!

Hihihihihi - I knew you'd come through with a brilliant one on this...

Can I request anutha???

Cool design BTW!!!