COBRA SQUAD

It's been a while since I last did a review. Too tired and busy to blog. However yesterday, there I was too lazy to move to get my remote. I painfully subjected myself to the local drama that is COBRA SQUAD. Written, produced and directed by Alfred Mutua- a fellow couch tato, as he claims. Actually I've seen him plenty of times at the Junction catching a movie. So one couch tato to the other, this critique will be of utmost respect and cut to the point.

I have hated local drama since way back, simply for many reasons:
- bad acting
- bad casting
- bad dialogue-thats the screenplay
- bad storyline
- limited budgets

Now, Cobra Squad looks like it has a massive budget with numerous sponsors. They have managed to shoot in excellent locations. Which is about the only good thing this show has.

1. Writing!! Writing!! Writing!!

Any real Tato knows that the secret to a good show is the writing. Writing writing writing. Writing has two components story and screenplay.Plot and words.

-What people dont realise that for good writing you need more than one writer. You may have one head writer, but a successful show has tens of writers. Too many cooks are needed for this kind of broth. As much as Alfred is trying I think he needs to recruit a whole army of writers to salvage this show.

-dialogue is so poor. Why do people not write as normal as they talk. Whats the difference between real life and tv? Theatrical talk should be eliminated. One word or one sentence lines should be removed. I don't know how to put it but...when writing you should actually verbalise your writing to see if it even makes sense. People don't talk in sentences. Many people interrupt...keep talking...stammer...speak incoherently...mumble...mix and match that dialogue.

an example of common talk on Kenyan TV

"Goodmorning Mr Tato?"
"Goodmorning Sir."
"How are you doing?"
"I am doing fine."
"That is good to hear."
"How are you doing"
"I am also doing fine"
"Good."


-story line. It is adviseable to have many running storylines at a go. Not one basic storyline that drags on incessantly. Characters should have a past present and a future. So should the multiple storylines.

2. Advertising.

Shameless and blatant advertising is present on this show. Surely is it a drama feature or a running advertisement. Just because a certain product sponsors the show its endorsement should in no way interfere or be inclusive of the plot or dialogue. I think merely being in an LG shop itself is mere marketting but for a salesman to actually unleash the advantages of an LG fridge or TV is outright uncouth.

3. Editing.

This is supposed to be a fast paced drama. So why do we still have useless footage like a 2 minute chase scene that has no baring on the plot whatsoever. Priorities have not been determined obviously as a result of poor writing. Poor wriing ends up with poor editing.

4. Casting and Acting

I won't criticise acting...because of the bad writing. Good writing sells itself you dont even need good actors when you have great writing. Heck writing creates the actors. So we have a case of bad writing reflecting out as bad acting.

But casting. I am tired of seeing the same faces on Kenyan TV. Especially those who do TV commercials.

Take a fresh cast and make celebrities out of them. Take a fresh cast and make a unique brand from your product.

5. Action Sequences

-Fight scenes: my God the obvious choreography in this scenes is almost embarrasing. If one cannot have right camera angles or editing skills or computer no-how I suggest omitting such scenes entirely. TV is fiction as it is...we need not be reminded of this fact. There is a fine line between ridiculous and lack of technology.

Gunshot scenes are laugh out loud horrendous.



In a nutshell COBRA SQUAD ends up being bad/crap simply as a result of bad writing.

So one day this Couch Tato will create his own TV show and will show you what makes a good drama-supersaturation of good writing with an unknown cast
.
Shows like West Wing. OZ that had an unknown cast. Sopranos. Friends made it big simply cause of good writing. Sisters...E.R... all these shows started with unknown actors.

Until Kenyan TV producers realise this, Kenyan shows will always be substandard, an viewers will be dissatisfied left wanting.

A show that actually comes close is Tahidi High. Watch an episode and see the difference. It's probably the best thing we have so far...but it too needs oxygen but not a complete rescusitation in the I.C.U.

The Shield VI

This is one of the best Cop Dramas of our time. Over and over again I've debated over which is better- The Wire or Shield. Season 2 and 4 of The Wire were a little slow and off the tangent we are used to. The latest season 4 was slow and dealt with school kids-so for now Shield temporarily takes the lead.

Season 5 had the worst cliff hanger ever. Worst in terms of DAMN GOOD! Killing Lem was sweeeeet Drama..and Shane was just the character for it. And the brutality of it all..dropping a greenade on your pals lap...such nerve...such violence.

Season 6 picked right up from there. And it was pure intense drama when Vic found out that Shane did it. Another fine moment was Cavanaugh losing to Vic. Even after he had been reduced to framing him. I still believe he was robbed off an Emmy for that role.

Cavanaugh has been out to get Vic. Sure Vic ain't innocent he is as rogue and corrupt as it gets. But we like Vic. When Vic slept with Cavanaugh's Ex and said her "pussy tasted like sweet sweet butter!" That's our Vic. Who writes for this show...cause Cavanaugh looked like he had had a stroke!

Aceveda's blow-job incident came back to haunt him. "Suck it like a cell-bitch!" Again priceless lines. I'm so impressed that the writers hadn't forgotten that storyline that was never completed.

Awkward moment is Vic fathering a child outside marriage and his daughter wants to visit the new borne.

I love seeing Anthony Anderson making brief cameo's he was an all time favorite bad guy and some of his past dealings with Shane also return to haunt Shane.

A great season. A lousy sombre ending but Season 7 should be the best since it may be the last.

The problem with Shield is too few episodes. But it sure overcompensates everywhere else screaming Great Cast and Great Characters.

Ocean's Thirteen-The Review

Caught it on premiere night. And I must add that the sound at Junction Nu Metro was appaling to say the least. I has do much syke for this ..probably because of the cast.
All the same the movie was ok. It wasn't the greatest and I think it's cause majority of the jokes had been displayed in the trailer. Ocean's 11 so far remains the best of the three.

Good bits:
-Seeing 2 of my favorite actors share a screen..Brad and Al Pacino
-It was good seeing Andy Garcia and Pacino together since The Godfather
-It was also nice seeing the cast again..especially after Bernie Mac got a 2minute role in Ocean's 12.
-Ellen Berkin is great

I think what sells this movie is the cast and not the script or the plot.

Bad Bits:
-I missed Julia Roberts
-The plot was so obvious and a little weak
-Shame on you Al Pacino for taking that role
-Shame on you Oprah for a cheap cameo

All in all it was a good flick...you will laugh and enjoy yourself...but...preferably you had better rent this movie on DVD or wait for it on TV.Nothing to sms home about!

Family Guy

Arguably one of the funniest cartoons of our times. There is so much debate about Family Guy VS The Simpsons. Of course the Simpsons is funny...and is the longest running cartoon of our time...but Family Guy is a GEM! And i hearby state its better than Simpsons!

Word of advice:Borrow this and watch it and love it!




Besides really funny characters the most endearing quality of this show is its involvement with the real world. It spoofs reality...from George Bush...to Passion of the Christ...to Zinadine Zidane...to Osama...name it they have made fun of it. In fact this is the reason why most people don't warm up to the show because they miss majority of the jokes. Each portion is a running gag..a joke within a joke. When they make fun of Michael Douglas' enormous chin as they act out romancing the stone...only a true Tato would get that joke.

And their jokes are way below the belt...totally uncalled for...nasty...and the cursing is phenomenal!

Meg their only daughter is not openly hated and disregarded by the whole family...can you imagine the dad mistaking a monkey for his daughter? Or robbers refusing to rape her even when she presses them to.

then the hayve this styles of telling jokes:
1. They always do imaginary flashbacks taking a joke to another level
2.They at times can prolong a joke way way way longer than it should be told..making it funnier

My favorite characters are:
Peter Stewie

Peter the fat tub of lard...dumb tub of lard...he is just a breath of fresh air
Stewie the evil master mind genius that wants to kill his own mother...and his banters with the Dog are harsh and brutal!

Pirates of the Carribean-Review

Well obviously I caught this on Friday.
Same time as Bantutu...better luck next time..please you actually thought you could beat the TATO to watching it before.
So we waited and here it was. Bigger and grander than ever. As I had expected it a lot of fun and big explosions, spectacular visual effects..pure Bruckheimer/Verbinsky tag team. As in... whatever you were looking for ..it was there...they went all out..perhaps a little overboard!

Loved it Loved Loved it...however...a few disappointers were present. In fact at one point I even dozed off.( I am so embarrased and ashamed and so so so sorry...!)

1. It was too too too saturated in terms of storylines. They introduced to many things ...too many subplots that should have been dealt with from the very beginning-not introducing things now! What seemed or should have been an end to a trilogy became the beginning of something else! Calypto? 9pirates? What the... A few stunts they pulled that I did not like...Like Jack and his endless personalities...

2.In its supersaturation it became unseemingly too long


But its a definite must see...the characters are all back in their glory ...and each with their own story!

Ha Bantuts likes ati the Proposal amidst the fighting(Told you I'd sell you out) ... sentimental fool! I on the other hand still like that idea of being so heartbroken by love you rip out your heart so that you never hurt like that again.

Bruckheimer and Pirates of the Carribean

Ok I may not watch it today but definitely...records shall be broken. Yes I said the same for Spidey 3 and wasn't I right?

Pirates is a superior ovie in terms of storyline and Bruckheier delivers action they way it was intended for the big screen.

Reasons for the major success will be in:

1.If anyone knows how to churn box-office hits. I'm talking #1 hits. Talking major grosses... is my man Bruckheimer. Distribution and advertising....the works
2.This is the end of a trilogy of outstanding proportions...almost like Lord of the Rings and it deserves the respect it brings. And with that respect comes $$$$$$$$
3.The characters...we all want to see them again.

So y'all ignorant lazy ass Tato-wannabes...please get yourselves to the theatre and watch it!

Lets break records.
First Spidey.
Shrek did terribly well....lets take this baby home

Makings of a Tato: 7 steps

EGM u asked and I have answered...PART 1. Ichiena can I claim to have done your 7 things you did not know about Tato?
EGM wrote:
First, I want a post on how 'Tato came to be. Right from the very first thing that triggered in you a love for all things tatoholic to the present day.

So what are are the makings of Couch Tato..how did I discover that I was one?
For starters my friend..it is a journey... you don't just wake up and call yourself a Tato..it takes hard work..memory and like aviation you have to have the hours. Ask Movie buff? You have do to the time to call yourself a Tato...a Buff.

There is a difference between a critic and a Tato. A critic might be doing it for a job...likes to find fault...he may even like watching the movies...but a Tato LIVES in movies...a Tato is a critic...but worse...he just doesnt watch them...he lives and breathes TV/Movies!

So what does it take?

1.Loyalty. Once I start a series I stick with it till the end. It doesnt matter whether it deteriorates through thick and thin...

2.Endurance. Even when you are ashamed of wacthing it...for better or for worse

3.Suspension of Disbelief. You have to put aside the fact that its fiction ...put aside thats its special effects...you have to submerge yourself and lose yourself...(in the movie the moment you want it ..you can never let it go..you only have once chance do not waste ...)

4.Commitment...till death does us part.

5.Don't belive the hype...create the hype. Sometimes you have to see it to believe it. See it to criticise it. See it ...just so that you can say "yeah I saw it and it was crap!"

6.Experiment. Broaden your horizon. Explore new territories.
e.g

-try Oscar nominated movies. try romance. try mafia movies. try classics...etc
-Read a book watch the mini series or the movie...way before borrowing series there were mini series.

Peep this out...who can brag having watched all of these...at the end of the day being a Tato is also about BRAGGING RIGHTS! Being a tato is all about the amount of stuff you have watched.And realizing ...DAMN i've watched a whole lot!



Bella Mafia..very interesting...all the male heads of the family and the sons were all swiped clean and only the ladies remained...
the rest check out the post Teenage Tato and Baby Tato

remember these from KBC... I may not have read her novels but by golly I watched them mini series. others included Act of will...Voice of the Heart...






Neighbours


Even I was amazed at the stamina it took: 11 years(1991-2002) I stuck with it...till I was posted to Nakuru and had to let go


Knots Landing.



Season 7-14 i stuck with Knots Landing. Greg and Abby Somner two cunniving sons of...

Days of Our lives

My God ...acha tu...That Dimera family...had me by my balls. I've never been so addicted to something like this... (Perhaps Sunset Beach and Young and the restless for a short stint)

And am talking addicted -not 24 style but in a witchcraft kind of style. If there is a soap that can weave stories...Sammi is doing this to lucas who is doing this to Carrie...who doesnt know that Austin and Billy are...ok we start again. John and Marlena...

7th Heaven



Season1-7. Ok there was something just sweet about this show. I still don't believe I dropped it come season 8...i think its due to time but if anyone can hook me up with teh DVD's...I'll clear all 10 seasons.


E.R



Best Medical Drama of our time...I was there from start...


Roswell and Smallville:

last but not least. Examples of series' I started at the same time. Both had very weak storylines in the beginning. And actually both shows were very alike. And with time both evolved..Smallville stood the test of time and emerged stronger as seasons passed by.

You would be interested: Izzy on Grays anatomy also played Izzy on Roswell.

Spiderman III-The Review

Sorry guys for taking so long...but the CAT is over and let's do this how it should have been done.

Yes, Friday opening night I was so there...favorite seats...bladder empty...it was time that was done

Movie Buff my dear soulmate...I do expect a retraction in your statements. My predictions were spot on...but yes Pirates now has the huge task of beating this record in less than 3 weeks.
But as I said come then loyalties will have shifted.

Spiderman III


damn this photo is hot!

What I loved:

Please remember we are comparing it to the other 2. Undoubtedly this movie was superior
Graphic unrelenting violence. Oh that chase scene between Spidey and Harry...had me at hello.GADDAMN...nasty blows..did you see how Harry got slammed before he lost his memory.

Bad Spidey vs Harry ...ok...when he threw that bomb right back at Harry...that was awesome.

Spidey Vs Venom and Sandman...that was too much...that whole sequence had me panicky till the end.

The crane sequence...wow...

Spidey and his narcissistic self...he was funny.

The freaky next door neighbour that has a crush on Peter.

Great chemistry between all villains.

Computer effects were all over the place. Cash was spent. Time was taken. Especially with Sandman...Mummy Returns has nothing on that sequence! Honestly some of those effects were over the top. Spidey Vs Sandman in the subway.
The showed of skills and this were skills that were massive.

In the opening credits they tired 1 and 2 together..it felt like going back home. I like it when you tie in the past with the present making the movie more realistic and continuous.

Review:

In my opinion everything that had been lacking in the previous movies was here.

Many say that the story line was weak... I beg to differ this one made sense. We couldn't have Harry surviving and him being a future side-kick, nor could we forget about him so it made sense to kill him. Same for venom ..of course he jumped in and got killed. As lame as that may sound...the storyline on this was markedly improved. Great laughs from Jonah the editor and the 'French' speaking maitre 'd. The dumb blonde!

If there is a chick that bores me its Kirsten...oh I so hated that singing that I wasn't so sure if she was lip syncing.

But I like the fact that he did not propose that would kill that vibe..and since when did she know he was Spiderman? OH and Sandman having a sweat soppy story....NOOOOOT!!!!!

If only we saw more of venom.

The ending was actually a bit disappointing but truth of the matter I had not recovered from the intense action beforehand...I needed something to cool me off.

Remember this is an action flick..you should not expect more form it. It's not an epic classic...it's not a literary masterpiece. This is pure comic fantasy that involves a favorite super-hero of all time...and that is all you get. Good action, good time with Spidey. Hence on that note I think it delivered..more than delivered. It was bigger, grander and superior in every sense.

Great Action sequences that were ruthlessly violent. Brutal and Graphic just the way Tato loves them.


Similarities with Spiderman 1

-What was with him flying past the U.S.A flag? Cammon do we have to Americanise everything?
-The ending was a bit to similar...death again?



NB:
I have decided not to mention Pirates at all...y'all wait 3 weeks and we can do this again.
This is going to be a battle...I stated my Loyalties.

I love Spidey more than Jack Sparrow. I love Pirates more than Spiderman. So there! Not to mention anything Jerry Bruckheimer does it all the time...if only he produced spiderman.

24 hours to Spiderman3

Yes by tomorrow the Tato...will be at Nu Metro theatre...nice and early. The previews shall be watched...be it Die Hard, Fantastic Four and Tranformers...or Simpsons the Movie...that will come and go.



...once the credits start rolling with those spidery letters...A new line presentation yada yada yada...A Sam Raimi film etc etc, the tato will be in a state of orgasmic euphoria. He will be undettered by the fact that 2 did not have a proper villain and that 1 had wasted time on storyline.



This time around Spidey ooops wrong persona..tato...knows those villains are gonna kick ass.
This time around Tato see a complex complicated pentagon between his love(Gaddamn it get that tooth aligned) his former best pal turned villain, Sandman, Venom and best of all himself!!!!


The Battle Within!!!!


Ladies and Gentlemen..may I hearby unleash my predictions.

1. It will be much better than 1 and 2..both in storyline and in effects.

2. It will probably have a killer ending...begging for a part 4.

3. I will be satisfied...though I am completely biased.

4. It will shatter box office records again...and it will blow off Pirates of the Carribean 3. Surpass its previous records.

Deliciously Violent Movies

There is a difference between gore from horrors and sheer raw, graphic violence! The latter has nothing to do with scaring you, nothing to do with sending shivers down your spine but quite the opposite. ONE makes your heart beat faster the other makes your heart stop! Cold, clean and crisp VIOLENCE. Violence delivered naked, up close and personal that you gasp in shock! Especially when they writers spring one on you,thats the best violence. The type you do not expect to happen or expect to be shown! Wham Bam thank you Ma'am!

Now when they say violence on the movie screen has adverse effects perhaps this is what they are reffering to off late.

1. Shooter



I kept thinking about you Movie Buff. This is a good movie with some serious sniper action that will leave you astounded. Cold blooded killing...yes! yes! yes!

"I am the Senator of the United States" says the senator...to which he is silenced close range.

2. Apocalypto




Why no one spread the word on this movie I will never know. Some of those scenes were just wrong. Fighting with a jaguar!? A spear impaling you through and through...people being beheaded...talk about a little ejaculatory joy of violence.

3. 300



Nothing like choreographed violence with spurts of slow-motion!!!! OH YESSS!!!!

4. History of Violence



I think this is the first movie I've ever seen with such open violence. Damn! Up close and personal...this movie had nothing to hide...not to mention that sex scene with Viggo and Mario Bello was as real as real gets. What a ride..I'm not talking bout the sex but the movie...that too!

5. Children of Men.



It was a tad slow... a tad boring on the futuristic aspect...but they way Julian oore get shot. Note since she is a big star you don't expect her to die so soon. WHAM! The sound was spectacular as well and near the end some fighting and shooting scene leaves your mouth open and dry.

6. 24.


Season 5 episode 1: The death of David Palmer. I did not see that coming...let me rephrase...I still don't believe the killed Palmer like that. Barely 2 minutes into the season premier...direct shot to the neck. I couldn't belive my eyes. How? Why? Seriously are you allowed to kill a major character? In fact I was wondering where the hell they get off doing that!

Season 6 episode 4:Death of Curtis. Cold blooded..again a direct shot to the neck. BRUTAL! If you want to get rid of a character there are gentle ways of doin it than that. Look at Curtis above...look at that neck..wait for it....

HEROES

2005 had Desparate Housewives. 2006 had Gray's Anatomy. 2007 has Heroes.

At first it may look like an X-Men Rip off, but as the story unfolds you get lost in the characters. Simple ordinary people who are extraordinary. Evolution has led to a mutation in the human genome in a selective few who's phenotype expresses supernatural powers.

The journey is in watching them discover their powers. How the HEROES are all interelated as the story unfolds. Initially the goal was to save the cheerleader to save the world...but now it seems like the goal is to prevent Peter from exploding.

The beauty of this show is in its simplicity. Of course the super powers are a major attraction...I'd kill for Peter's powers or Sylar's! Wow what villain! Who's your favorite character? The show is totally Comic-Book...it appeals to the young tato in me.

Hiro definitely makes my day!



I hate to compare it with Lost...but the two have the same similarity of INFINITE POTENTIAL IN STORYLINE. How many powers have we seen so far: shape shifting, radiation, the artist that can paint the future, the mom that's a fire starter, precognition...

unanswered questions:

-Peter's mum does she have powers?
-Hiro's pal...I think he may have powers as well..yet undiscovered
-So whats the connection between the cheerleader and the end of the world?
-Is Peter the main character in this story?
-Hiro's dad?
-Is Peter the bomb that will destroy earth?



VERDICT:
Watch it. Watch it! Watch it!

Worst Movies Ever...some of them...

The tato prides himself in being a master of everything big screen and silver screen. The tato prides in the fact that from a preview or even a review he can tell what's worth it and what's not. He prides himself knowing that he will get disappointed when he watches this or that..and he knows when he will be elated...he knows when he is just passing time...he knows what he needs for every mood or occasion. The tato has prided himself in recommending movies and those he recommends to have always been satisfied.

However the tato remains unamused whenever he is wrong. And not that kind of wrong that he should have known better but that kind of wrong that is almost sinful. That kind of wrong that you lie there embarassed and broker and by your tato standards is totally sorry! The kind of wrong where all clues and hints mislead his super skills. When all his criteria is met and shattered from the credits!

The folowling will forever remain etched in my mind...and I'm ashamed for having watched them.Just to name a few!

1.Joshua Tree


Who funds these movies and why? Dolph Lungren and Kristian Alfonso a.k.a that chick from Days of our Lives called Hope.

2.Burn Hollywood Burn


Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

3.Good Shephard



Good Gawd! An all star cast like that... a DeNiro movie... I have never dozed in a movie like this not to mention I wanted to walk out!

4.The Firm



This is the worst adaptation from a novel. The movie was a box office success. I have never figured out why!


5.Artificial Intelligence



What was Spielberg thinking?

6.Drop Dead Gorgeous



Shame on me!

Species II



Seriously what was I thinking, let alone them?!

Flashbacks: White Comedies

After doing black comedies...it was about time I paid tribute to white comedies of our time. Just to mention but a few...many have been left out...Nurses,Golden Girls, Silver Spoons


Tato will unleash a prize if you can get me pictures of the following. And please note I'm not asking for pictures of the actors/actresses or writer/director...work with me here...I want a pic of the cast or dvd cover etc...

1. Parker Lewis Can't Lose

2.Baby talk


ALF



an alien life form that had a craving for cats!

Perfect Strangers




Bulky and Cossin Larry......it really had a nice theme:

"sometimes the world look sperfect nothing to rearrange..but sometime u just get a feeling like you need some kind of change...no matter what the odds are this time..nothings gonna stand in my way...."


Monkees



heh heh we're the monkees...

they did the original "im a believer " song that was trashed in Shrek

Murphy Brown

This woman was tough as steel...poor Dan Quayle did not know who he was messing with.How many secretaries did she fire????
and did that painter elliot ever clear painting her house???

Married with children



nasty! nasty! nasty!


Herman's Head




the four personalities in his head...pure magic!


Blossom



it had some cheap jokes..some really great cheap jokes.

Family Ties



Michael J. Fox became a star from here so did Justine Bateman